Act of Marriage

I write this blog aware that conversations about sex often carry personal history—joy, regret, confusion, or pain. This is not an abstract topic, and I approach it with care. What follows is not a comprehensive theology, but a reflection rooted in Scripture and pastoral experience, offered in the hope that clarity might replace confusion and reverence might replace shame.

I write this blog out of my own frustration in how the church has handled this topic and in the lack of open discussion concerning sex as I grew up.  Over my 40 years of marriage and over 30 years as a minister it is a topic that I have searched the Bible and discovered that what is treated as a secret in the church and in many Christian homes is actually well addressed in scripture.

The following questions I have posed in my head many times throughout my life.  Why does sex generate so much anxiety in the Church?  Why do faithful Christians feel embarrassed by something God created?  Why do we talk more about what not to do than what Scripture actually says?

Many Christians have been taught, implicitly or explicitly, that sex is a necessary concession to human weakness—something tolerated within marriage but never fully embraced as holy. Others have absorbed the idea that sex exists primarily to prevent temptation or produce children, rather than as a gift of mutual joy and covenantal unity. Scripture does not support these reductions. From Genesis to the wisdom literature to Paul’s pastoral counsel, sex within marriage is portrayed not as a shameful allowance, but as a good and intentional expression of “one flesh” life together. When we speak of sex only in terms of danger, restraint, or permission, we flatten what Scripture presents as relational, embodied, and deeply meaningful.  We can look to the book of Hebrews for a further reminder for us to honor and protect the marriage bed.

Most pastors and parents emphasize the don'ts and shame and there is little to no discussion of the gift sex is in the bounds of marriage.  It is usually brought out in the negative because of fear, inheritance of silence or the lack of theological language to address sex biblically.  Or there is fear that if we speak of the positive that teens will want to give into the temptation of sex before marriage.  Often because of the mystery we put around it kids want to explore this forbidden fruit.

Let's begin this discussion where it begins in scripture, Genesis chapter 1 and 2.  Sex is not a post-Fall Concession; it is a pre-Fall design.  Yet the reality is God created sex when he created Eve for Adam.  We see that God calls creation "very good" before sin enters the world.  God brought Eve to Adam and gives her to Adam and says, "Be fertile and increase in number, fill the earth...."

The first relationship includes embodiment (bone of my bones), desire, union and nakedness without shame.

That is why a man will leave his father and other and will be united with his wife, and they will become one flesh.  The man and his wife were both naked, but they weren't ashamed of it.  Genesis 2:24-25 (God's Word Translation (GWT))

Sex is not introduced as temptation - it's introduces as covenantal unity.  Sex is not dirty but permitted; it is holy and intended.  It was the fall that took God's design which He said was good and perverted it so a husband and wife now feel ashamed of their nakedness.

This concept of "one flesh" is more than permission it is theology.  

Many reduce "one flesh" to being simply a euphemism for intercourse.  The reality is that biblically it is much richer.  When we look at "one flesh" it includes physical union, emotional vulnerability, spiritual bonding, and lifelong covenant faithfulness.  Sex is not merely something married people are allowed to do; it is something that forms and reinforces the covenant itself.  It is for this reason scripture takes sexual unfaithfulness seriously - not because bodies are gross, but because sex binds people together.  The Bible does not treat sex as simply recreational or something disposable as the world has made it to be.  The Bible treats it as relational and covenantal.  It is this reason several times in the book of Song of Songs it says one should "not awaken love or arouse love before its proper time."

What many do not realize is the Bible is surprisingly sex-positive.  Many pastors and parents just ignore those parts.  The book of Song of Songs (Song of Solomon) shows explicit desire, mutual longing, pleasure without apology.  It shows no mention of procreation, duty, or restraint for a married couple. The only restraint is for the unmarried not to awaken or arouse love before its proper time.  What is that proper time in the bonds of marriage.  It is scripture affirming, joyful, mutual, and embodied love.  

In Proverbs 5 we find instructions about enjoying the wife of your youth.  The language is not prudish language.  It is straight forward passionate language of enjoying one's wife sexually. 

Let your own fountain be blessed, and enjoy the girl you married when you were young, a loving doe and a graceful deer.  Always let her breasts satisfy you.  Always be intoxicated with her love.  Proverbs 5:18 - 19 (Gods Word Version)

 Biblical sexuality includes pleasure, delight, and desire, not just obligation and restraint.  

Genesis establishes sex as God’s design.  Wisdom literature (Proverbs and Song of Songs specifically) celebrates it.  The book of Hebrews gives us a bridge from the Old Testament to the New Testament specifically to the Pauline epistles.  Hebrews takes us from celebration to covenantal responsibility.

Marriage is honorable in every way, so husbands and wives should be faithful to each other.  God will judge those who commit sexual sins, especially those who commit adultery.  Hebrews 13:4 (God's Word Translation)

Hebrews 13:4 is often read as a warning, but it is first an affirmation. The writer assumes the reality of sexual intimacy within marriage and calls the marriage bed honorable and worthy of protection. “Purity” here does not mean restraint from intimacy, but faithfulness within it. The boundary Scripture places around sex is not meant to restrict joy, but to preserve covenantal trust. What is named as holy is not feared, but honored.

The phrase, "so husbands and wives should be faithful to each other" can also be translated "and the marriage bed kept pure."  The Greek word for bed here is koitē, a direct reference to sexual relations.  The word koitē is where we get the english word coitus.  Though seemingly hidden by the English translation there should be no mistake that the writer was referring to marital sex.  

The terms of faithful or pure does not mean sexless or joyless.  In this context it means to be faithful, exclusive and unviolated by adultery or exploitation.  It does not mean it is passionless or to be ashamed or restricted to procreation.  The author is drawing a boundary around sex, not against it.  If pure meant non-sexual the words marriage bed would be in contradiction.  

Hebrews 13:4 sets boundaries not a muzzle.  It is faithfulness versus infidelity.  It is covenant versus exploitation.  What it does is strengthen freedom in marriage.  The verse does not exist to police married intimacy but to protect it from distortion.  Sexual faithfulness protects intimacy instead of suppressing it.  Ultimately you guard what you value.

If Genesis and wisdom literature affirm the goodness of embodied love, Paul shows us how that goodness is lived faithfully in the life of the Church.

As we walk across the bridge of Hebrews 13 we come to the Pauline epistles.  In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul is giving instructions to those who are married concerning the marriage relationship.  Paul doesn't teach sex as a necessary evil.  This is often where much damage is done in relationships.  Paul is pushing back on two important pieces ascetic pressures and the belief that spiritual maturity required sexual abstinence - even in marriage.

In Paul’s letters, ascetic pressures refer to the belief that abstaining from physical pleasures—particularly sexual intimacy—was a necessary or superior path to holiness. These ideas, shaped by Greco-Roman philosophies that distrusted the body, led some early Christians to discourage marriage or promote sexual abstinence even within it. Paul does not condemn celibacy, but he firmly resists its elevation into a spiritual requirement. For Paul, holiness does not come through rejecting the body, but through honoring God with the whole person—body included.

What does Paul say concerning sex in marriage.  There is mutual authority over each other's bodies.  This was radical for the ancient world.  Sex is something to be shared, not withheld and abstinence should be only by mutual consent for a period of time.

Don't withhold yourselves from each other unless you agree to do so for a set time to devote yourselves to prayer.  Then you should get back together so that Satan doesn't use your lack of self-control to tempt you.  1 For 7:5 (GWT)

Paul does not say sex is dirty.  He does not say that if you are married and have sex you are a weak believer.  The verse above is not primarily about temptation management.  Paul affirms sex within marriage as normal mutual and spiritually legitimate.

Where the church often goes wrong is treating sex as a necessary evil, a temptation-management tool or simply a reward for marriage.  It speaks more to the rules than to the meaning of sex.  It teaches modesty and purity without teaching that desire rightly ordered is good.  The church often focuses on shame and not help in the formation.  Many Christians learn more how to say "no" but never how to say "yes" in a healthy, holy way.  This silence and shame distorts God's gift just as much as permissiveness.

Marriage is not the redemption of sex.  Sex has always been a part of God's good creation.  It is redeemed along with all of life.  The problem is not sex - it is our fear of it, misuse of it, or refusal to talk about it honestly.  There is power when a couple will have an honest discussion about their sexual life as created by God.

Scripture speaks more clearly—and more beautifully—about sex than we often allow.  I encourage you to go look at scripture again and rediscover the gift God gave married couples.

I recommend the following books

The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye

Solomon on Sex by Joseph Dillow

Turn Up the Heat by Dr. Kevin Leman

Sex for Christians by Lewis Smedes

The Language of Sex by Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham